How Stopping Drinking Alcohol Changed My Life
Removing alcohol from my life changed everything.
It changed my relationship with myself, my relationships with others, and my mental and physical health.
Prior to everything changing, I had no idea what actually needed to change.
I especially had no idea that alcohol was the first thing that needed to go from my life.
How ironic that I’d spent my entire life trying to remove it from my parent’s lives, and here I was in a literal fog about my own use.
Let me begin by saying that I had no idea alcohol was the cause of so much of my struggle.
Child of alcoholics.
I had been raised in an alcoholic home where one parent drank all day and didn’t function.
The other parent, a successful lawyer, continued to expand his intellect nightly by diving into five books at a time with a few glasses of this, and a couple more of that… “functioning”.
My life mission for the first two decades of my life was to remove alcohol from my childhood home so that we could all “function” and thrive, rather than just survive.
Fast forward.
Parenthood.
I’m a parent myself.
I’m an entrepreneur with the weight of the world on my shoulders as I try to balance raising three little ones, being a good wife, all while serving interior design clients, and running my retail store.
So much needed to change, but as you may relate, one doesn’t know what one doesn’t know.
Fast forward again, I’d been surviving the stress of balancing being the “best mom”, wife, and homemaker, as well as the best entrepreneur, and I was losing connection to myself as I went along.
I was loosing my sense of self.
Disconnecting from myself.
Was it parenting that was disconnecting me from myself?
Was it my work?
The answer back then would have been “absolutely!”
The answer today, knowing what I know now, is “absolutely not!”
Today’s answer, with hindsight on my side, is alcohol. Alcohol was the cause of my disconnect to self, a disconnect that trickled into every area of my life.
Now when I say that “alcohol was the cause of my loosing connection with myself” you likely picture a stressed out mompreneur hiding in her closet at the end of the day downing a handle of vodka and passing out.
Not the case for me, instead, picture a mother doing it all, “crossing all of the T’s”, loving and caring for everyone, keeping the home intact, making sure all of her clients are happy, and becoming more and more depleted by the day - turning to a “nice” and “well deserved” glass of red wine while making dinner.
Okay, truth be told, one or two glasses of wine was never enough to sooth my nerves, it looked more like two or three, and depending on the day I’d had, sometimes it was all four full glasses available to me in the bottle by night’s end.
Here is where the severing of my connection to self happened.
Two glasses of Merlot nightly doesn’t sound like a recipe for disaster, but the energy that is connected to these glasses of wine is.
You see, the thing about disordered drinking is that it doesn’t matter how much or how little one drinks, it’s the amount of energy and attention that is given to the drink.
I could have only been having one sip of wine at night, but what mattered was how important that sip was to me-how much mental and emotional space it took up in my life.
Connection to self.
Here’s where everything changed for me.
It was a Spring morning. I’d woken up to find myself piecing the prior night together (any time I’d ingested more than three glasses of wine, this was the process the next morning). My body hated alcohol, I like to say “I’m allergic”, and my body made sure I knew so.
Without boring you with the details, I’ll say, that Spring morning was divinely guided, and from that moment on, everything changed.
I believe it was divinely guided because it was a morning like many mornings-as the night prior was a night like many nights.
Nothing extraordinary went down.
No DUI, no major blowout - no “rock bottom” like we all presume needs to occur with a disordered drinker.
I just simply knew, like I’d never known anything before, that I needed to find myself again. I needed to reconnect with my true self.
It was a feeling I can’t explain-almost like someone/something was looking out for my future.
This feeling was an urging to let go of the doubt and fear that was consuming me in all areas of my life-keeping me stuck in all of the ways.
The first thing I decided to do was remove alcohol completely.
It’s interesting as I look back on that day, I wasn’t consciously thinking that alcohol was the cause of my anxiety, stress, and sadness, rather, it was a subconscious decision …. like I said, a divinely guided moment.
My subconscious knew what I had yet to recognize - alcohol was not for me-I was allergic.
Something deep within me knew that alcohol was an enemy, and perhaps it was only going to get worse.
I’d always been strong, and my will to survive got me through the unthinkable as a child - it was time for the survivor in me to step up again, but this time, it was time to turn surviving into thriving.
So what changed?
Everything!
The first thing that changed was the energy and attention I had been giving towards “five o’clock”.
My days were no longer spent anticipating the hour when I could disconnect from myself with my trusted “partner” in my wedding stemware.
After I stopped drinking wine at night, my evenings were no longer a time to shut down and detach from myself (and by default - everyone else).
The mornings were no longer super anxious with a raising heart and a dewy forehead (alcohol raises blood pressure and increases anxiety).
Everything changed in my life when I was no longer focused on the one thing that disconnected me from myself and from my loved ones … I was no longer feeling disheveled and discombobulated inside - yet simultaneously creating a facade of having it all together on the outside.
You see, unbeknownst to me, I was shameful of my relationship with my wine (because subconsciously, I knew it was not good for me) and I was covering up a reality that was supposed to look very different.
I thought life just “was what it was”, and that “I was who I was.”
Little did I know at the time, life would become easier and more enjoyable once I wasn’t drinking nightly wine, I would be (and feel) like a better mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, and business owner - and all aspects of my life would change.
I wasn’t the mompreneur in the closet downing vodka, but my life sure felt like I was.
Fast forward (almost 13 years) and I can tell you, I am not the same person I was at 39, and my life is completely different.
I still have three children, two dogs, a husband, a home to care for, and a business to run - but it’s ALL very different.
Trust.
I trust myself as a mother, wife, and business owner today.
Self-love.
I like who I am as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.
Intuition.
I am able to hear my intuition and I listen to it.
Boundaries.
I have boundaries for myself and others.
Self-victimization.
I no longer feel like the victim in life.
Insecurities.
I no longer succumb to insecurities that take me down and make me feel like I need to turn to something outside of myself for confidence and soothing.
Priorities.
I make myself a priority so that I can be the best version of myself, and therefore, show up for everyone else with a “fuller” cup.
Self-value.
I ask for what I need, because today, I value myself and know I deserve it just like everyone else does.
Present.
I’m able to be present in the moment, no longer waiting for the magic hour to take me away from my own thoughts and emotions.
Physical health.
I am physically strong and healthy.
Mental health.
I am mentally strong and healthy.
Spirituality.
I am spiritually strong and healthy.
Self-compasssion.
At present I have immense compassion for the version of myself that was simply trying to survive by turning to something external, but was in actuality, destroying her connection with herself (one glass of wine at a time).
Today I know that she was trying to do the best and to be “the best” - the only way she knew how (by soothing her nerves with wine) … until she knew better.
That former version of myself “didn’t know what she didn’t know”.
Today I offer my clients and loved ones these words from the beautiful Maya Angelou “once you know better, do better”.
Now that you know what I know, perhaps you can make changes as well.
Perhaps it’s not alcohol you turn to in order to disconnect from uncomfortable thoughts and emotions, maybe it’s co-dependency, shopping, social media etc.
Now that you know better, you can consider what would support you in doing better.
The first step in doing better is to no longer disconnect from the truth of who you are by turning to things outside of yourself.
Additionally, know your worth, value yourself in this life, own your power, trust your intuition, set boundaries, and ask for what you need.
Change your relationship with yourself, and everything else will transform as well.
Above are the golden words “change your relationship with yourself.”
You are worthy.