Abuse and Slowing Down
I am currently writing my memoir of a life riddled with abuse, first at the hand of others, then from myself.
I was raised in a home with two alcoholic parents. Everything was unpredictable and it was completely out of control.
Abuse came in many forms. It was chronic and acute. I was in some sort of danger every day for twelve years until one of my parents got sober and then my life began changing. It became more predictable and consistent. I had a mother again. Life started looking more “normal.”
Except as a survivor of abuse, there is a coping mechanism that we create when the abuse happens which is to be busy, whether physically or mentally, it is a crutch we survivors rely on to stay disconnected from the pain.
I write about the inner child in my book. My inner child suffered mental, emotional, and sexual abuse. In order to cope she was overly active, as a child referred to as “perpetual motion” as a teenager referred to as “hyper” and as an adult referred to as a “doer.”
My inner child couldn’t slow down. If she did she risked being with herself, which meant being with her emotions, which to the subconscious mind (the inner child) that is just all too dangerous.
I refer to my personal experience with the constant going, going, going and doing as my frenetic energy. Always describing myself as “busy”
It’s through the perfectionism, people pleasing, and endless to-do lists that we keep ourselves on a conveyor belt. The conveyor belt just keeps going and going and we never get off for a break because if we do, our past is waiting there and that means facing the feelings.
It’s not sustainable. At some point all of us become so drained and depleted we inevitably hit a wall.
I hit my wall after decades on my own conveyor belt that included an eating disorder, alcoholism, my career, and being the perfect mother. I got off when I stopped drinking in 2010 and started my journey of understanding the inner child and the coping mechanisms she carried through my life in order to “protect” me and keep me safe.
With this understanding of the inner child concept came a revelation that I wasn’t hyper or a doer, but rather I was in survival mode. It was time to stop surviving and begin living. No more being perfect at everything I did. No longer being the perfect child. No more people pleasing. Being the best at work or as a mother. No more keeping myself distracted by self-sabotaging behaviors like I had in my eating disorder or with my drinking.
At the point when we hop off of the conveyor belt we have a body and a mind that has been vibrating at high speed. Whether it’s been endless to-do lists, being the perfect student, employee, caretaker, having the perfect body, whatever it is for you, it means letting go of the old way of being and discovering a new way of being.
Slowing down means embracing a new version of oneself. It’s meeting yourself finally. It’s a process of connecting to oneself. Our coping mechanisms have kept us disconnected from ourselves in order to survive the magnitude of the abuse.
Connection is key and connection can only happen when we feel, and feeling one's feelings can only happen when we slow down.
Slowing down looks like not having to finish everything on the to-do list.
Not having to do the things you do perfectly.
It’s not having to please everyone.
It’s taking time for yourself
And most importantly asking yourself what do I need.
The healing of abuse happens when we connect to ourselves and calm the nervous system that has been on overdrive.
There are numerous ways to begin the process of slowing down. Some ways are:
1. Breathe, breathe, breathe. When we breathe we literally massage the nervous system.
2. Get quiet at least once a day. Close your eyes and listen. When we are in perpetual motion, in survival mode, the main thing we are running from is our own mind, our own thoughts and feelings. Getting quiet is the first step in listening to ourselves and hearing our voice telling us what we need. We don’t want to need anything because we couldn’t need anything during the abuse and our subconscious inner child believes we shouldn’t now. But we should and we deserve to.
3. The three A’s: Become aware of how you cope. What are the ways you keep yourself in perpetual doing and pleasing. Accept that this is not benefiting you but hindering your wellness. Take action to change these patterns by catching yourself and challenging yourself to do it differently. Breaking the pattern.
4. Visualize yourself doing life differently. For example, If you’re always saying yes to everything instead of saying no in order to protect your boundaries, visualize yourself saying no. Envision as many details as you can. Where are you, who are you with. See yourself saying no to doing something and feeling safe and calm. Feel it in your body as if it’s really happening. Whatever scenario that is most prevalent for you in your life, imagine yourself setting boundaries and feeling at peace with it.